I'm enjoying a leisurely Sunday at home. I do not have that many carefree Sundays left. I finally feel like talking about the Georgia trip even though it was 2 months ago, it was summer, and the weather was better then. Plus now a lot of stuff is going on for me. So I had the opportunity to go to Georgia for a few days on a family business trip. I went with my Aunt. It was one of those things where I was offered and did not hesitate. It was a great way to get out of the state for a few days. I went down to Ft. Wayne then the next day we drove the 12 hours down to Atlanta. Driving down the mountains seemed crazy and it seemed like they went on forever.
Whenever a person goes somewhere different there are the comparisons you make with home. That last sentence sounded weird. The obvious being the accents. I noticed the Georgia accent, which is way different from the Midwest accent. There is difference between the Georgia accent and the Louisiana accent. The Georgia made me smile a lot.
One thing I did like was the Southern Hospitality, people seemed a lot nicer down there. People recognize you and say, "Hi, how are you?" A big difference compared to Michigan. That only happens in a few places in Michigan. They were very friendly. At the hotel, the woman working the breakfast buffet was one of the nicest people I met down there. I forgot her name. The whole vibe was nice. The weather was great too. It was not too hot, it was like an 80 degree day in Michigan minus the humidity. It rained as we left to go up North.
We got out to the downtown area once and went to the Georgia Aquarium. It was something different and fun. Atlanta seems like a nice town. I wore my Michigan t-shirts, just to see who was down there. I met a few people from Michigan who had moved down there for work. One of the ladies from the Hotel was from Houghton Lake. The lady at the drink stand downtown was from Muskegon. The guy at Firestone went to U of M. There were a lot of people my age down there.
The trip back up to Ft. Wayne took an hour longer because of the few accidents that happened on the road. The next day I came back to Battle Creek. I could see myself living in Atlanta, if it was not for the family that I know who already live there. I still would not mind visiting there.
This blog kinda sucked. I did not go off on anything since part of this topic is off limits.
I know it is early. Actually, I can't go back to sleep right now. I have to get up in a couple of hours anyway so that I can take someone to work and pick someone up. Well a lot has been on my mind lately. I still have not talked about the Atlanta trip. It has been six weeks and it is a touchy subject. I will discuss it soon though, just not now.
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. It's funny when people like to give their two cents about your situation. Lately, I have not been trying to give my opinion to others about their situation. I just do not do that anymore. I wish people would not even ask me. I just really come to accept people for who they are and what they do. My mindset is whatever makes them happy. The world population is in the Billions, I can't name an approximate number off the top of my head. Every person is different, that means every person's definition/goal of happiness is different. Also belief systems are different for every person, but that is a whole other topic in itself. Really what I am saying is that my definition of happiness is different from those of others.
Most people that I know really have not asked me what I want out of my life or what happiness is to me. That really is unfortunate. My family and friends really do not know what I want or really know me for that matter. That is really unfortunate. They probably will never know the real me on the inside. I'm actually cool with that. What also is pretty strange is when people talk about my current situation and they give their two cents when they really have no credibility to even talk. It's not like they have accomplished more than me. It is usually people who have not been in my shoes or have gotten a degree from a prominent University. I have found it usually, the ones who have something to say are the ones who do not want to look at their own situation. Most of the time they are in a worse situation. They really are not happy with themselves, so they look at someone else. It's human nature. Then they give their opinion, even if you did not even ask them for it. Even when they really should not and have no credibility. It really is a crazy world sometimes. I really do not listen to what these people say. I'm at the point in my life where I really do not listen and I usually just laugh at them in the back of my head plain and simple. The past few months I have done a lot of laughing. In a sense, I am stubborn but more of it has to do with having thought out my course of action. A thing called Intelligence seems to be something underestimated.
I guess what I am trying to say is that my hope for my friends is that they pursue their happiness. That is all. The past few years that is really what I have done supported my friends who have pursued their happiness. They tell me what they want to do. I support them and have their back. I have a more defined view of happiness now. I personally will be pursuing that.
It's pretty late right now and a lot is on my mind. I have had a pretty busy couple of weeks. It started with my job interview a couple of weeks ago. I have not received a call back so that means that I did not get the job. It's their loss. Sometimes I feel like going up to these employers and telling them that you're missing out on the best by not hiring me. Then later on in that week I had to help prepare for the wedding reception. It took most of the day on Friday. Then the following day was the wedding reception. It was pulled off pretty nicely.
During the wedding reception, I was presented with the opportunity to go to Georgia for the week. I accepted. I had a dream a few days before that I was in Georgia. It is hard for me to transition because right now I cannot say a lot about the circumstances and other things right now.
I will say this. Some people seem different from what they really are. A person on the outside is different from the person that is on the inside. Also, a lot of people seem fickle. That is all I have to say for now. I will save the rest for another time.
It was a good trip and it accomplished a lot. Now I want one more experience for my summer to be complete. It has been a memorable summer.
I am writing this now a day after writing that piece that I did yesterday. It has been almost 24 hours. After I typed that I printed it off (thanks to the printer I installed 2 months ago) and went upstairs.
Let me backtrack first, yesterday, when I wrote that I knew wanted to write something, I just did not know I was going to write that. I turned off the television and music that I normally listen to and just focused on typing. A few times in between lines, I would catch my eyes watering. I simply wiped them and kept going. I had started and I was now locked into finishing my thoughts on the situation. I knew I would read it to my Mom when I was finished. It took me an hour and 10 minutes to write that, but to me it seemed longer.
This takes me to upstairs; I walked upstairs into the front room. My Mom was watching television she said something. I sat down at the opposite couch. She asked, “What is that?”
I then stated that I have to read something and I began reading. In middle of the fourth line, I began to get choked up and wipe my tears from my eyes. I kept reading. I had to; I had to get my perspective out there and heard. My eyes soon dried up. Towards the end my eyes began tearing up again. As I finished, My Mom said, “Wow.” Then she gave me a hug. She turned the television off and we began talking. She told me, “Writing is your passion, Chris. Pursuit it.” We began talking about other stuff too about life and what we went through. It was tough for everybody. I certainly ran into obstacle after obstacle in order to graduate.
Right now I just want to say I thank everyone who has commented about it. I also thank everyone who has taken the time in reading that, even if you did not comment. That actually means a lot to me.
I sit here right now actually writing in the notebook that I call a journal. The sun has just gone down and the only noise that can be heard within these walls is the refrigerator and the central air. I have not been on a regular sleeping schedule in over a week. Some things have not changed especially in August it seems like. It is almost cyclical. Matter-in-fact I woke up for a couple hours this morning just to go back to sleep and wake up at 3:45 this afternoon.
My neck and back have been bothering me, a little bit more today. It’s what my doctors have told me is a “bad day.” I still continue to push on. I did my usual push-ups until my arms gave out from under me. The past two days have been the hottest of this summer. I called my father yesterday, but he still has not returned my call. He probably won’t read that, but oh well. Life goes on.
I have hit the delete button a few times in starting this. It's hard writing this. I have really had to think a lot lately and this weekend. There are certain times when I close up and just don't say what I am thinking. I guess I need to say a lot of things now. I'll say this: Nothing has come easy for me. People like to talk about me having a college degree. That did not come easy and if you really knew the whole story you would be amazed at what I had to go through to get it. I respect a lot of my friends and peers who do know and have called me "tough" or the "hardest worker" that they know. I can recall one time in which someone called me "resilient" and I began to get choked up and let out a couple of tears. I really thank those people for those comments, because they helped me keep going.
Now for the real reason that I am writing this. On this day five years ago, I had just gotten home from work. Earlier in the day, I had my Final for my Trigonometry class that I was taking at KCC. I had studied the night before pulling an all nighter. I had went to work right after at Summit Pointe. I was having trouble trying to stay awake at work for the 5 hours that I was there. I came home exhausted. This was a far cry from two summers ago when I had insomnia. I went downstairs to the basement to check my email on the computer and listen to some music. I was zoned out and looking at something on the internet. I had put Nettie outside, but I heard the front door slam and I knew someone was here. I did not know who. I was too tired to focus on most of the sounds within the house. I just continued looking at what I was looking at.
Then without warning my Dad came down to the basement and came into Charles's room. He looked at me and told me that he wanted to talk to me. I turned the chair from in front of the computer to facing the bed where my Dad sat. I was feeling a bit out of it. I don't know why I did not just go to sleep. I think it was the tough guy in me trying to stay up as long as I could until I just crashed.
My Dad began talking to me. "Chris, I just wanted to sit down and talk to you now and tell you that when you go back to school that I will help you with your rent and food. If you need anything just ask. Do not worry about it.
I responded with, "Okay."
"I just want to say that I am proud of you. You plan on getting a job?" I responded with, "Yes."
"I also wanted to tell you that I am getting a divorce from your mother."
That statement took the life out of me sucking all the breath away from me.
"It's not you. I think that we have just grown apart. Don't tell anyone. If your Mother asks you then you can tell her, but don't tell her that you know. We were going to say it in a family meeting. I just felt like telling you first because you're mature enough to handle it."
Our conversation lasted another 45 minutes with him talking the majority of the time. He told me that things are going to be changing. I was too tired for it to really sink in my head. It would not sink in until the next day. After that he went to volunteer at Ribfest. I was able to hold onto this without telling my brothers and my Mom for 3 weeks, until my Mom asked me if I knew.
Things had really changed shortly after that. If anyone was going to feel the change it would be me. I still had a couple of years of college to complete. My older brother had one semester. Brandon would have to see it everyday.
Shortly after that I became depressed because I was going to school and stuff at home really was not right and it was hard to rally and be successful with the things that were happening. Plus I was still taking pills for my back and that was getting to me. The first semester went alright, but the next things began to crash for me. This next period of my life would really test me and force me to grow up fast. My relationships with both parents changed. Before I had really resented my parents for the way they had treated me growing up. My Mom was more around and she was there for me when things began to get tough, while my Dad was not. Before me and him were cool, but things changed. At one point I could not talk to him at all, because it just reminded me of all the broken promises. Now that I am out of college, I am able to talk to him because that phase of my life is over.
As for my Mom, I watched her from a far and I could really say that I watched a person handle everything with courage and a fighting spirit. In the past five years I have watched her grow into someone that I am very proud of. I do not believe in hero or role models. I think a person that is positive should be their own role model. However, my Mom is someone I look up to.
I just wanted to post something since it has been awhile. Lately something happened that got under my skin. It usually takes a lot for that to happen. Well it did. It has been a real long time since something like this has happened. The way I deal with anger is really different. I become really intense and go out push my body and then I focus on something hardcore. In a sense I have. In the past, when my parents angered me after moving in the summer after eighth grade, I went in my room and did a set of 250 push-ups I did not stop until my arms were tired and I could not go any more. That was the only time that I did do that many in a row. That was eleven years ago. Lately, I have been doing push ups again. Now I'm currently doing 120 in a row. My goal is to do 250 again. It is something that I have to do.
It's been awhile, so I have decided to post here. Besides not that many people read this, so in a sense this is freedom. A lot has been on my mind as of late. "I really don't know" has been one of my favorite phrases lately. I really don't know about a lot of things. I have been back in Battle Creek for the past 13 months. This has really been disappointing on many levels to say the least. Things should be better I graduated from the University of Michigan, a year ago. I have had 3 interviews so far and only got one job out of it. My initial plan was to work and save up and move from here. Move somewhere, where I had no family and knew no one. Start over. I simply need to start over. That has not exactly happened.
It's rough living around here. Battle Creek is a shithole to say the least. People here have a defeated mentality. It really is disappointing. Plus with all the job losses, there has been more crime here lately. This town is also backwards in it's thinking. My next topic will be about Battle Creek. It's just so frustrating coming back to a town after being in a town like Ann Arbor for a few years. Most people here do not get it because this town is all they know. The thing that really sucks is the fact that I came back to my hometown and I still don't get the same respect as I do from most of my peers. That right there is really disappointing. Most of my peers really do not respect me enough I feel and when my hometown does not respect me that is even worse. That is my frustration with that.
Another frustration I have is with my family. My relationship with my parents over the years has really not been great. To be honest they really have not raised me. I mostly raised myself and they never pushed me and gave me attention. I have always felt that they never really fully support me and that is what is disappointing. They both never listen to me and then they want to talk my head off all the time. Things will not change with them and I'm okay with it. That is why I want to separate myself from my family for awhile. I know it is time.
The whole listening thing, is my biggest pet peeve of all and it seems like most people that I come into contact with don't do it. That's what is really disappointing because I was in a place before where I had a forum to express myself and it's like I cannot do it here. Either people see my as the person I was before I left or they see my as a kid. That is not fair to me at all.
Before I get into it, I just want to share where my heads at. I have been trying to write poems lately. I wrote a couple last week, but I have not had much success this week. A lot has been on my mind. Part of it is good. I am happy. I'll get into that some other time.
I was going to write another "Truth is to be told" rant since it had been awhile. One of the things I was going to say was about Michael Jackson jokes. Here is what I was going to say, "Michael Jackson jokes are so 15 years ago and people who use them now are just not connected to today and not creative because there is ton of material to use about current events.
Due to yesterdays events, the whole rant will not happen today. Farrah Fawcett passed away yesterday fighting cancer. That is tough. She was a great part of 70's pop culture. It is sad. Thoughts and prayers go out to her family.
I was on my computer when I heard that Michael Jackson had passed. First, he was hospitalized, then he was in a coma. When I heard about the coma, I knew the London shows were off. I kinda had the feeling that it was not good. I started to get this feeling in my stomach. I turned it on Channel 3 news and it said that he was dead. After that I got up and went for my evening walk.
Last friday night after I had installed the new printer. The television was on . It had just turned 8:00 and I had it on VH1. Daisy of Love had just gone off and it looked as though a movie was coming on. The movie that came on was "The Jacksons: An American Dream." I started watching it for a couple of hours. I knew I could not watch the whole thing in one sitting, it's just too long. I turned off the television and went to sleep.
The Jackson 5 were really pop icons of the 70s. They were the first true boy band. All the ones that came after copied their formula. He lived a childhood that was not like most kids.
For me growing up, Michael Jackson was the artist. When he would come out with a new video, we stopped everything to watch it on network television. After watching the movie Moonwalker all I wanted to do was dance. I even tried to do the Smooth Criminal dances. When I was born the song that was Number 1 on the Billboard was Billie Jean. In the 80s, there was always the debate who was better Michael or Prince. I'll admit I was in the Michael camp, but now I appreciate Prince's music a lot more. There really is no clear cut winner. The real winner was the fans during that period.
From a performance standpoint, there is no better performer other than James Brown.
People always mention the album Thriller and that album is a classic. What makes an album a classic is not having to skip songs on the album. Just being able to push play and letting the album play because every song is just as good as the previous one. A lot of people overlook the other albums Off the Wall, BAD, and Dangerous. Those three albums were great albums. You cannot have Thriller without Off the Wall. Remember Dangerous is the highest selling New Jack Swing album of all-time.
Watching his concerts, man, just left you mesmerized. He was a great performer. I'll say this much there will never be an Icon in the music business like the "King of Pop." The business is just not made for it anymore. The Sports equivalent to Michael Jackson is Michael Jordan. As much as Kobe and Lebron try to live up to him, they simply won't. It's one of those things that is a part of pop culture. People do not camp out for their shows like they did Jordans. The same thing can be said about Usher and Timberlake no one camps out for their albums the night before at the record store. They basically do the same things that Michael Jackson has done, nothing different. That is why they will never be Icons. They really have not done anything to really start a trend like MJ has.
Yes in the past decade he had a bunch of scandals, but as an artist he was the best. He could not be touched. He was a genius. Right now my thoughts are with his family. RIP MJ
So I ended up eating the food. I was stuffed though. I was able to soak up the alcohol. Then I got up and got another drink. Then we waited for the usual wedding ceremonials like the cutting of the cake, the first dance. It was cool when the Groom's father dedicated a school in Zimbabwe to the newlyweds. Then it was time for dancing. Everyone who knows me, well most people who know me....um scratch that. Some people who know me, know that I like to dance. At one point they played "Din Da Da" and I had to break it down. At first it was on the side of the dancefloor, then I got pulled into the circle. I won't lie, I like attention. I did not get it much growing up so I play it off like I really do not care.
At one point the DJ started playing Rumba. Then me and the Groom's father began talking. It was cool. I felt like I was amongst good people. The only thing that sucked was my lack of sleep the previous two nights. That is why I was not up for much conversation. Gerald asked me about dancing with the single ladies. I really was not in the mood for doing all that. I'll get into that sometime later. I was dancing it up a little bit more. Then it began getting dark. I knew it was time for me to go. I did not know where I was and I wanted to get back on the road asap. Plus this was a Sunday night.
The last time I danced was with my friend Lauren. She asked me if I came by myself. I told her that I did. Then I went and said goodbye to Gerald and met the rest of his family. It was a great wedding and I was glad I could make it and see two great people get married.
After that I got back on the road. It was getting dark and I wanted to get back to I-96 as soon as possible. It was hard navigating where I came from as it was getting dark. I usually do not print up driving directions the other way because once I've been somewhere before I know where I am going. It was sort of difficult since I had to turn around a couple of times going there. At one point I was able to get to I-96. I stopped off at a gas station. One thing about the suburban Metro Detroit area is that stores are a lot cleaner and the scenery around stores are a lot cleaner. You could almost take a picture of the scenery around suburban store areas. I used the bathroom and got back on the road. I got to I-96, then got back on M-14. I saw the Ann Arbor exit and got off there.
I drove through downtown then I drove down E. Liberty and turned on State Street. I drove down to South University and parked my car at the parking structure. Then I got out and walked to the Brown Jug. I wanted to see the rest of the basketball game. I got there and ordered an oberon and watched the rest of the Orlando/Boston game. Then I left and went to Bubble Island. I got a Bubble Tea to go. Then I drove back to Battle Creek.
The bride looked great in her dress. I had not seen Liz and Gerald in a year, it was my last day in Ann Arbor. That was a crazy day for me. Now I'm feeling better about things since then. It was good to see one of the good people that I met in Ann Arbor get married. The reason that I was there in the first place was because I met Liz through my friend Lauren, another great person I met in college, I can honestly say that. I had a crush on Lauren freshman year of college at one point. I was at one of Brian People's parties. (I guess I can thank you too, Brian, but you still owe me my CD). I was just being social and she said that she lived at Glencoe Hills the same apartment complex that I lived at. So I would always see Liz either on campus or taking the bus to and from campus. We would always talk when we saw each other. Plus, she is from up North, Ludington, a place that my Mom's family is very familiar with.
After the wedding it was time for the reception. I saw Lauren and talked to her for a minute before I went inside. It was great seeing her. I went inside and waited in line to sign the guestbook and put my gift in the giftbox. I was having one of those days, when I could not write neatly and everything that I was writing was looking like chickenscratch. I'll admit my handwriting sucks most days, but I have my moments.
Then after that I went to find my seat. I was at table 12 and seated next to this girl named Ameerina and another girl named Shantel. They both seemed nice. I looked around and looked at the bar. Someone said that it was an Open Bar. I had that sensation for a minute of being a kid at a candy store, but then that feeling fell because I had to drive home, so I could not get too out of hand, no Rick James moments for me. I had a few drinks and that was it. Then two other women joined our table and they were speaking with accents. They were the Groom's Aunts. They looked pretty young to me. A few minutes later two other women joined the table. It took about a half hour or so for them to get done taking pictures. I got my first drink at that time. I started to get hungry since the only thing I had to eat was the french toast sticks from the morning. Then the wedding party finally arrived in the room, while I was in the bathroom.
The food finally was served first it was bread and salad, then pasta,then the main course was served. I almost could not get through my chicken, because I had not had a real meal in almost 2 weeks. So my stomach was feeling pretty full, but as usual I forced myself to eat the rest of the food. My Great Grandma once told me when I was younger, "if it is on your plate you have to eat it."
Okay I will now talk about the events that occurred a couple of weekends ago. It was fairly different from a typical weekend. I got invited to my friend Liz's wedding in December. She asked for my address but I figured that she wanted to send me a greeting card for the holiday season. Well it was her wedding invitation instead. During the winter, I was going through my shit, so I did not think I was going to attend, but I found the invitation and decided to go to the wedding.
The wedding just happened to be the same weekend as my Mom and Grandma going to Oklahoma for the whole week. I pretty much did not want to go for obvious reasons. Six days with my family and irrational older people would drive me crazy to the point where I would have to be alone for the second part of the week. I would only show up when it was time to get on the plane. The wedding was a way for me to get out of going. The wedding was on a Sunday, something that is very rare, but I could deal with it.
That Sunday I woke up early and began getting ready. I had my clothes laid out, but had to iron them. I had been between wearing my black suit and the brown suit. I settled on the Black suit because I had not worn it in a couple of months. I had gotten the directions off of Google maps from the library a couple days prior so that I could just get in my car and go. I had to drive about 2 hours from Battle Creek to Commerce Township. The wedding started at 2:30. That meant that I would pass Ann Arbor, a town that I had not been to in a year on the way there.
After I ironed my clothes I was on the computer checking my messages. Then all of a sudden my phone rings. I pick it up and it is my father. I knew this would happen because of the events that occurred the previous night. I had a conversation with my younger brother, but I knew that a phone call from my Dad would occur. I knew it was going to happen when I drove my Mom to Grand Rapids. He asked me about the wedding, but I knew the real reason he was calling me and we discussed that reason for a couple of minutes. Then I got off the phone with him.
I showered then I put my clothes on. I had the pants, shirt, and tie on, with my dress shoes. I put the jacket in my car. I was about ready to go and it was around 11:30. I could not find my wallet, so I went searching everywhere for it, but I managed to find it under my pillow. I got in the car and took off. The highway was still messed up from the shift near riverside so I elected to get on it by the Casino. This allowed me to get my card at Dollar General. I walked into Dollar General and grabbed a card. As I went to make my purchase the cashier in line asked me, "Are you going anywhere special today?"
I responded, "Actually I always dress like this. No, I'm joking. I'm going to a wedding in Commerce Township."
It's funny how people treat you when you dress nice compared to when you dress normally. The cashier then held the door open for me as I left the store. After I left the store, I went to the Speedway station up the road. People were just staring at me. I got back in my car and began driving. I had not been by Casino since early winter and it looks like it is almost ready to go. I got on the road and started off with listening to an old BBC Essential mix. Road trips call for that, it tells a story and they are long. At one point I put in Jazzy Jeff Hip Hop Forever 2. I was making pretty good time on the road. I know I would cut it close in getting there on time. I was driving 80 mph minimum all the way there and drinking Vitamin Water Sync. At one point I had to get off at the rest stop outside of the Chelsea/Manchester exit. I took a 5 minute break and got back on the road.
I had passed Ann Arbor and I was getting on M-14 then M-23 toward Flint, then I got on I-96. I had to get off at the Milford. It sucked that I was going to this wedding solo, because I had no clue where I was going. Some of the roads were a bit tricky and I had to turn around a couple of times getting to Commerce Township and the Country Club. At one point I was on a dirt road. I was surprised to see a dirt road in Southeastern Michigan. I thought this was Oakland County, one of the richest counties in the country? I finally found the Country Club and parked my car at 2:20. I was tired from driving and being in the car for so long. I got out and stretched and then put my jacket on. I went down to sit where the wedding was. It was an outdoor wedding, which was cool. It was definitely a nice setting for it and it was a great day outside for it. Usually it is hit or miss as far as the weather goes in Michigan.
Yesterday, I got motivated and went to the gym. I got hype before hand and listened to some music. I went to the Y and got a day pass. It felt great working out. It had been a year since. As I was getting out of the car and I felt a bit nervous and a strong sensation. I don't know what it was exactly. When I started working out, it felt like getting back on a bike after years of not riding. I could still do my usual workout. I stretched then got on the bike for 20 minutes, ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes, then biked for another 20 minutes. The next hour was all lifting. The same intensity, like it never left. Then I stretched again. I felt great afterwards. I felt lighter and hungry. It was great. I'm a little sore right now, but not that bad. I might go back sometime next week.
It's been forever since someone has asked me, "What's on my mind?" It is simply a question that is seldom asked. That is the reason in a sense of why I write a lot, especially lately. A lot has been on my mind, but lately if someone were to ask me that I would simply respond, "The gym is on my mind." For the past couple of weeks, that has been the one thing that has consumed me. It has been little over a year since the last time that I have been to a gym to workout. A lot of people look at me funny when I say that I need to lose some weight. They just don't get that I used to be in great shape. I used to workout to get everything that I was worried about out of my system. It was one of things that created a balance in my life. I truly miss going to the gym. Even if most of my day sucked, going to the gym would be the highlight. I used to channel my anger and frustration by working out.
I guess in a sense I have been putting it off a little. The first time I really wanted to go to the gym lately was back in February, but then I did not. We are now in May and I have still have not gone to the gym. That is probably why it is on my mind, because I have not done it. I am starting to be more active and I think it is going to happen soon. Actually I know it will.
I will say this right here right now. For future reference, I will no longer respond to replies from anonymous people unless there is a name at the beginning or ending of the reply. You can respond as anonymous, but put a name somewhere in your reply. I like responses to what I talk about on here and I like debates, but if you can't stand behind your comments then you really do not have credibility to me. Your post will be deleted. Have a nice day.
Note: I have been toying with what to do with this entry. I know it is pretty long and when I post this on myspace it will be edited down significantly. I just wanted to put the whole version of this here. Last Saturday, I just opened my journal and started writing. Here is the result of that. Enjoy.
This was a major crossing point in my life. I know either one of two things were going to happen. I was either going to move on and be successful out the gate or just go under water. I went under water. I knew I would go under water, part of me just stopped caring. Part of me needed a rest or a time-out. It was like having a bad migraine and from the pain of it not wanting to do anything more than take some medicine and go to sleep in a dark room. That’s how it was for me. Then there was the side of me that got tired of my environment the people around me, that part of me just wanted a new adventure. Hell it’s been over a year and I’m still craving that new adventure.
There were many events leading up to this day. I worked my ass off up to it. I quit school and then re-started at one point. In the time, my parents broke up and I was not speaking to one on a regular basis. The other parent that I was speaking to on a regular basis, I felt had simply lost a sense of who I had become. When that happens there are problems. That goes for any relationship.
A few years prior to this I told my Mom that I was not going to my graduation. It angered me when she called me up and asked me, “What I was going to do about graduation?” I told her that “I was not going.” She replied with in a disappointing manner, “Talk to you later.” Then my grandma leaves me a message on my phone saying, “I can’t wait to go to your graduation.”
I was starting to get really angry and bitter. It got to a point that I started drafting an e-mail to my parents and my grandma, about things and how they were getting on my nerves. I had my Mom on me about what I was going to do next, graduation, and graduation tickets. My grandma was on me about graduation and her usual calling me at random and praying for me. Then my father did not know much about anything going on.
During some off time, I wrote the letter explaining everything and how I felt. The bad thing was that I did it on the day of Sasha and Digweed playing at some club in Pontiac. Two of my favorite DJs.
My Mom decides to call me up as I’m getting ready. We have this big discussion about everything at the end of it I feel like she still does not get it or me for that matter. The next day my Grandma leaves a message saying that I can be anything I want to be. The same thing, she did not get it either.
The only person who managed to get it was my father. I talked to him the following week and he said it perfectly. “You are growing up as a man and they still want to treat you and see you as a kid. They are going to do what they do, but they’ll soon find out, it will probably be the hard way.”
He was right. There are things that really annoy me about my father, but the man was good to talk to and listen to when it came to stuff like this. He is knowledgeable about life.
With everyone talking about graduation, I really did not see the big deal about it. To be honest, I would have missed my high school graduation if my grandparents did not show up from New Orleans. I missed other things like prom and the senior party(whatever they call it). Or I chose not to go to those events and that was not the end of the world. I have no regrets about not attending those events either. Graduation was no different.
In the end, I succumbed and I went to graduation and that’s what pissed me off. It was supposed to be my day and in the end I feel like my moment was taken away by other people who have no clue who I am and just assumed what I want, but never asked me what I want. You know what happens to people that assume.
I simply wanted to be by myself alone to rest. I did not even want an Open House to be truthfully honest. I just wanted to move on. I just feel like the people in my life who say they are closest to me, don’t understand me and they never will. It’s that simple. It’s funny ever since I graduated I have not been able to be my real self here in Battle Creek, because it would be too much for them. That part of the rant is over.
I went to graduation with my roommate Jon, who is an asshole. I had to endure living with that guy after living in the crazy house the previous year. Then dealing with the other bullshit. I was tired. It was cool to meet his brother, who seemed like a cool guy.
I dressed up nice, my family came and they did not dress up nicely. That was another thing that angered me, you want to come to my graduation, but don’t dress for the occasion that it is. It’s a graduation at a good University. No slight to Michigan State. All my friends who go to MSU or have graduated from there, I love y’all. I’m just saying it is supposed to be an event that is a special occasion.
I’m glad I wore my sunglasses because it is an event that I could not go without them. Graduation at the Diag, whoever foot the bill for that….Nevermind.
Then after commencement ended we went to Applebees, then I got dropped off at home and I took a three-hour nap because I woke up at 6:30 a.m. to be somewhere at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Can you believe that?
What happened when I woke up is a whole other blog. Maybe for another time. The point though is to say this, Graduation is one of the worst days of my life. If I could do it over again would I? No I would not go. I would not go and I probably would not have moved back to Battle Creek.
It sucks I can’t look at my graduation cap. My Mom has it in some closet and when I see it I can’t look at it. I just can’t. Same with my actual diploma, I haven’t even framed it. It is still in the envelope that it came in I haven’t even looked at it yet.
I know this has been up for a week and a half, but I just had to post this up for those who have not seen this. Mos Def talking about DOOM (formerly MF DOOM). It's good to see a rapper speaking about one of his peers. DOOM is one of my favorite MCs.
I know it is late at night and I might go off the deep end with this. What if I were to completely dumb down? I mean everything my appearance, choice of music, the people I hang out with(actually I'll get to that later). I guess what I am trying to say what if I were to not to be a deep individual with many layers? What if I were to stop questioning things/issues in society and analyzing things?
What if I were to wear Jerseys all the time? Try hard to fit an image based on television or some other form of media? Doing the "in" thing? What if I were to say the most ignorant remarks that came to mind? I know people who are educated who act this way. I guess I would be around more ignorant people and maybe my life would be more simple and because of this life would be more enjoyable. Writing this might defeat the purpose. Instead maybe I should phone it in and video blog where I can just say ignorant shit all day.
The main question from this is can a deep person go back to being shallow and it being okay? I think it is hard to unravel that. In a sense it's like digging a big hole in the ground and wanting to not dig anymore and erase what you had already done and make everything the same before you had already began to dig. That can't happen though, because the grass that you messed up and dug into can't go back. In order to get the grass back you have to put the fertilizer, seed, water, and wait time to grow. Still if will not be the same. I think I did it again.
I was planning on following up on this a couple of days after I wrote this because there was some stuff that I missed and I already had in my head what I wanted to say, but sometimes the mind runs faster than the body and it takes the body awhile to catch up. Plus part of me has been lazy, up until now of course.
"On Love" it seemed like I was honest. Actually in a sense I was honest, I have never been in love. However, I thought I was not honest enough for a subject like this. I felt like I was expressing myself in an honest manner but took the easy way out in a situation where I should have gone full throttle. I'll put it in these terms: Baseball. It's like I hit the ball to the gap in the outfield and I know I have the ability to turn a double into a triple, but instead of heading for third base aggressively to get more out of this hit, I just stay at second and don't even look where the ball is or even round the base. I just stay at second because it's safe.
I guess that kind of sums it up about my love life and life in general in a sense, "Doing things because it's safe." That is what I did in that entry, I even talk about the one time that I almost fell in love, and how I did not push back. That was in a sense to be safe. I think that is the problem I don't take a stand and that I'm going to do this and do it. Call it whatever you want but essentially it is a deep fear of commitment. Committing to the pursuit of someone, something, or my happiness. The only time I did that was with college. I was hell bent on getting my degree. I attended school with a messed up neck and back, went through two illnesses, and even quit school at one point while working multiple jobs for this one goal.
Back to the subject, when it started to become too personal for me, that is when I backpedaled or went back into my cave. I began to generalize what people have told me about their relationships. Then I described that I had to be in the situation for it to occur in a sense that is correct and in the past I have wanted to try to pursue something with someone that I was talking to but did not because the timing was not right and I was going through something. I did not want to rob someone of their time and my lack of attention. It goes back to fear. I guess maybe I'm the one who is "irrational."
I know I usually don't talk about subjects close to my heart. Actually I usually go off on something that annoys me. Hear goes:
I have never been in love. I can honestly say that. Congratulations to all the people out there who have been in love. I am a by-product of two people who were in love. I just haven't. I have been in relationships but I never loved the other person or told them. I guess I was trying to see if I could love the other person, but I most times I was easily annoyed. Being in love, I really do not know that feeling.
I had a conversation about a month ago about how when people fall in love, they do the most irrational things at times. They do not know that they are doing it, but to the outside individual they seem crazy. I have been a witness to people doing crazy stuff because they were falling in love. I almost fell in love once and the person was probably the most complete person by my standards that I had met and spent time with. I always felt good and happy to be around her. Then we just stopped hanging out. The timing was just bad for the both of us. Well I did not get to fall all the way to know if I was in love. I guess it was the beginning stages, or the potential.
It's funny I have met people, that have told me that they were in current relationships and past relationships for fear of being alone or some other reason other than love, by necessity. Others have told me that they were in a relationship only to have kids and they did not love the other person. Then there are some people who get married to not be alone or just to do it. It really sounds silly to me. Who really benefits from this?
In closing, if I want to be in a serious relationship/marriage/whatever you want to call it, I would rather be in love. We live one life, go big or go home.
Well lately, I have been thinking about the person that I used to be and the things that I went through in the past 3 years. I used to be a hard worker. A lot of people called me the hardest worker that they have known. I prided on myself on that and being tough mentally. I think in the past few months I have lost that. This past week, I was thinking a lot about this. I want this back and I want to be that again. I know it is in me and I think it coming back. I think in a sense I am coming alive again. In a sense, I am becoming myself again. The work ethic and intensity is back and that feels good.
Wednesday I started reading my third book this week. I started reading "The Pursuit of Happyness" by Chris Gardner. Someone told me that I should read it two years ago and I'm finally getting to it. In that aspect I have been somewhat productive. I was able to write a little too. I would like to be further along with writing this book. I just have to work harder. I slept a lot this week. I just did not have any energy. I even elected not to go to Denny's for free breakfast, for more sleep. I felt totally zapped. I think I need to take vitamins again. More later.
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chriscoo's journal